February 27th, 2006

Subject: this is ridiculous Time: 03:21 am

just for fun, i wrote this...and it was interesting Pray your soul to make you weep and sweep and sing most everything, Tast taste taste you in, tom my ungiving world pass the moon, clap your soul and breach death Obstacle tooooo survive and satisfy your self in the self of other beautiful planets my friend i also wrote this in that same inspired moment, "your name is sticking in my head, despite the displeasure in our leisure"

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Subject: the tree story Time: 03:18 am

I spoke with trees and wrote their sweet replies, the wisest bark and freshest spring-tinged sighs: "to be true and alive a cycle you'll embrace grow from seedling to many-branched and prepare for the fall. When the winter it comes and strips you to cold learn to be strength in the years you now hold and if you feel weathered, gnarled, and old embrace the new spring, bloom and grow bold." This life she does circle dodge, turn and spin but love yourself dear and embrace what's within

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October 10th, 2005

Current Music: "Autumn Sweater"-Yo La Tengo Subject: The Dancer Time: 07:23 pm Current Mood: confused

The dancer is small her laugh so cheerful The dancer gives meaning to grace in song With your flirting the dancer does not play along The dancer is witty, her eyes brightly lit Your dark mannerisms to her form wouldn't fit The actor is tired, pudgy, unkept He dreams of knowing your hands, and feeling your sighs. And meet that fair dancer by moonlight and star to meet her and kiss her in his heart would bring a faith in well wishing his hopes taking wing... And in his pursuit of Happy Ever after it would indeed be devastating if she gave him nothing but laughter after his wanting and wishing and waiting! For you see, the dancer deserves someone handsome and tall.. and you my boy, are not that at all!

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October 9th, 2005

Time: 12:02 am

Dictionary.com defines desperation as 1) The condition of being desperate. And 2) Recklessness arising from despair Catharsis is defined as a purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience, or A release of emotional tension, as after and overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit. Absolution-The condition of being formally forgiven by a priest in the sacrament of penance…absolved-to pronounce clear of guilt or blame Despair-to lose all hope, to be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat, complete loss of hope, Desperation-a state of despair, despairing disregard of danger fury, recklessness Inherent in each one of us is a driving force that fuels the what and how of the actions we commit ourselves to. In an inebriated state one is more apt to lack in the restraint of withholding their true drives. When I am sober I do not wish for others to know that I drive on desperation and loneliness, that is not someone who you want to hang out with. But this is the true state of things as they stand now, I am someone who cannot find absolution for the shadows that are living within me. It is because of these shadows that I act the way I do when I am drunk, reckless, full of disregard for others and myself. On the day that Bernie beats my ass I will remember fully that I wholly deserve that ass kicking, I hope he beats the FUCK out of me, because then I will be absolved by the church of man and party. Is this writing catharsis? How about drinking all that benadryl is that catharsis? Perhaps anti-catharsis because sure the emotion and tension within me is being formalized and released, but not in a positive experience that will leave the spirit refreshed. At a crossroads standing Facing north or west In my hands and empty bottle A cross held to my chest I face in these directions Hoping to find grace Praying for atonement But I find none in this place And falling, throw the bottle I And thrust my arms up to sky And scream for heaven how I rant For peace and hope, the things possess I can’t: “If I die before I wake, I pray you know it’s no mistake, For my life is unto me, A truly real enemy” And as the light grows dimmer The darkness come, joins at last The shit and breath within me And all my shadows past… Trevin Cooper finds in Quay West a representation of our desire to escape. What will people do for it? Is death an escape? There are those that do not allow themselves the courage to act on their impulses because they have bits of happiness left that keep them from acting out of desperation. I am a contradiction, fool of happiness and driven by desperation, what happens to me? Where do I find that this desperation encompasses all I do and what does it not control? My happiness is true happiness and that is why I remain sane and alive, but what am I going to do when it runs out? I have acted on the most serious impulse I have ever had once and ran towards a car did I, but lacked the passion to fulfill my meeting with the eternal eyes of he who watches from a high alight in presence king of sky, who created earth and seasons by, waving his eyelashes and batting an eye, Before I free myself from being slave, to desperation and loneliness, I must learn to control those forces in me, lest get my ass kicked by Bernie.

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October 8th, 2005

Current Music: "The Tourist"-Radiohead Subject: The Tourist Time: 06:48 pm Current Mood: ashamed am i

I dreamt a sullen, solemn, dream Of Hell and places dark and not seen Where chains and fiery coals did form each body to be shapeless, burnt and torn. There a master speaks with enormous hate, And hands out to each soul its devastating fate. No light in this place did I see No rhyme or cheer, it is devoid of sweet melody. Then, with torture whip and lasting chain Ten stallions ripped through on fiery reign. With a jump and startled shock, I awoke and saw no more of that dark I kneeled and thanked the Lord For no longer did that place I tour. Never again do I wish to see that forlorn place, such misery. So guard your Heart, and keep it well Else spend your nights adream in Hell.

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April 20th, 2005

Current Music: "The Schmuel Song"-The Last Five Years Subject: Downtown pretties pt. II Time: 10:44 pm Current Mood: chipper

( people )

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Current Music: "To Youth(My Sweet Toisin Dubh)"-Flogging Molly Subject: Downtown pretties Time: 10:37 pm Current Mood: content

( buildings & misc )

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April 18th, 2005

Current Music: "Almost Crimes"-Broken Social Scene Subject: Thoughts from me health class Time: 08:05 pm Current Mood: creative

The Course of the world lies in the hands of those who can blow it apart! big time American heroes i've nothing against your sacrifice but your help glorify the thoughts of a man mad with "God's Plan" --it's not your Fault A God who plans to blow apart those who don't conform? I always thought judgement would be delt out by angels ..not young bewildered boys with m-16s Our God and their God two whose wills seem to be twisted by the men who can shape the course of the world with one push of a button how do you want your world shaped? how about a nice dented sphere? someday things will be set right no one knows what the outcome may be but i pray your judgement comes from a just God ...and not the angry ones engineered for the purposes of mad men

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April 6th, 2005

Current Music: "Nailed"-Tommy Gnosis Subject: inspired by Hamlet's puns Time: 10:31 pm Current Mood: contemplative

O Sun, not yet come will you bring insight when you dawn? i am faced by helios' embrace and the thoughts of a long long morning o Sun, not yet come do you bring beauty with your dawn? in an instant i look back study the palimpest of thought that composes who i will be O Sun, not yet come please bring truth with your dawn I find it difficult to believe in a pile of stones placed by men to praise holy loans yet to be collected on o Sun, not yet come will tears flow softly when you dawn? i shouldn't be my father, but maybe if i am, the boy i have too will question and praise

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Current Music: "Busy Bodies [alternate version]"-Elvis Costello Subject: Dinosaurs Time: 10:26 pm Current Mood: crazy

I really can't believe that i may like you more than dinosaurs my 8 year old self would be OUTRAGED to hear such things perhaps it is all infatuation i was infatuated with the beasts for 8 years...can you stal that long? and though my mind turned to girls and sports some of my heart remained in prehistory Albertosaurus and Jesus await in my heart for your arrival in may i'm sure i sound funny, inane and weird but believe i may love you more than i feared

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Current Music: "Deep Weather"-Deep Forest Subject: The Invisible Man Time: 10:08 pm Current Mood: creative

I want to be the invisible man and slowly dissapear from view one angle at a time, so you wont notice me going I want to be the invisible man and push you down the stairs for all your catty remarks you'll never see it coming I want to be the invisible man and walk into the university of my choice so i can learn for free and get away from here I want to be the invisible man avoid my parent's stare not have to join the Navy for a sense of liberty I want to be the invisible man so you wont think of me anymore so you wont wonder about my day to keep you from my harms I want to be the invisible man and start fights in crowded hallways laugh at your mom's silly thoughts out loud yell "fuck you" to dad, and leave him wondering where it came from I want to be the invisible man and take the stage baring soul without sight i'd win tons of shit I want to be the invisible man haunt some creepy theater drinking creative air and remaining friendless no even shadows to keem me warm I want to be the invisible man today i want to be invisible to exist without attention wonder trackless with no direction

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March 17th, 2005

Current Music: "New Year"-The Breeders Subject: Pin.. Time: 06:59 pm Current Mood: cranky

If i could have one wish, it would be to cause you ridiculous pain, the kind you try to laugh off first, the kind that drives you to tears... and rolling on the ground, and screams pin pin pin, sitting on the chair i'll take it and stick the dolly that i have here, the dolly that is you and you'll see what i'll do, give you that pain, that you deserve it's only because you're a heartless bitch because you want me bitter like you...i guess this means you win can't you leave my shadows alone? must you drag them from their slumber? if i could have one wish, it would be to love you madly you would feel safe and adored and then I would feel trapped and contained and find another and leave you that, my dear, is when you would find the pain the kind you try to laugh off first, the kind that drives you to tears... and rolling on the ground, and screams and ridiculous pain who needs pins then?

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March 16th, 2005

Current Music: "Sorry"-Galaxie 500 Subject: Sorry Time: 03:55 pm Current Mood: bleh

Well I'm sorry `bout the weather And I'm sorry that the drive was much too far Seems like everything is business And we're sorry all the time When we're home (All alone) What is home? (On your own) Home is home (All Alone) Where we love the weather Are you sorry that you love me? Am I sorry I love you too? Seems it doesn't make a difference That we're sorry all the time When we're home (All alone) What is home? (On your own) Home is home (All Alone) Where we love the weather All alone (What is home?) On my own (What is home?) All alone (Home is home) And I love the weather

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